The Truth about cows (script idea for fun)

[fartinmowler]

The Truth about cows

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The Truth about cows


Chet senior

Son I have something to tell you

Hank Jr.

What's that daddy?

Chet Senior

You gotsta promise never to tell anyone

Hank Jr.

Ok Daddy, I promise

Chet Senior

Cows have extremely bloody periods

Hank Jr.

How come I never seen it daddy?

Chet Senior

Well...son your momma and I go out late at night and put the cows with periods in a special room in the barn and put giant tampons on the cow's

Hank Jr

Why is it such a secret daddy?

Chet Senior

Son, imagine drinking a glass of cold creamy milk and seeing a giant bloody tampon at the same time

Hank Jr.

That's just disgusting daddy

Chet Sr.

Yep, it sure is son and son I have one more thing to tell you

Hank Jr.

Yes, daddy

Chet Sr.

Cows can get right ornery when they got's the period. I remember one time getting up from gettin kicked in the head and the crazy bitch cow kicked me in the head...

Hank Jr.

So it kicked you in the head twice?

Chet Senior

I said that didn't I?

Hank Jr.

I guess

Chet Sr.

You know what I did with that cow? I took that crazy bitch cow out into the field in front of all the other cows, stuck a shot gun right into the cows mouth and just as I was about to squeeze the trigger I yelled at the cow and said "YOU stupid cow the next time you kick me in the head your gonna die"

Hank Jr.

Cows are pretty stupid, I don't think they would understand daddy

Chet Senior

Do I look stupid?

Hank Jr.

I'm getting kinda tired daddy

Chet Senior

Ok, son...ha ha ha ha ha, tomorrow morning bright and early I will show you where we keep the giant tampons


So... I was contacted to write a script

(Phone rings)

Fartinmowler

Hello?

Unknown person

Uh yes... my name is Richard Curtis, I've written the scripts for the massively successful Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Mr Bean and Love Actually.
and I'm interested in buying a script from you

Fartinmowler

Uh Ok I'm working on a story about this guy who fight's bigots on a train

Richard Curtis

OOH hand to hand combat aye?

Fartinmowler

I guess if you want to?

Richard Curtis

Anything else?

A father and son story about cows...

Richard Curtis

Oh, yes I read that one!!

Fartinmowler

If I write a script for you I have one

Richard Curtis

I know what your going to say and yes you can do anything you want to Hugh Grant

Fartinmowler

Uhggg no...

Richard Curtis

He's quite entertaining


(Phone rings 2 minutes later)

Uh...Hello this is Hugh

Fartinmowler

Hugh Grant?

hughgrant.hp.infoseek.co.jp/image/hugh%20grant%20naked.jpg


Hugh Grant (goofy british accent)

Uh yes...Dick was telling me, look I like dick.

Fartinmowler (interrupts)

YOu like dick?

Hugh Grant

Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha you made a joke...

Fartinmowler

Ya..so what can I do for you?

Hugh Grant

I read the script for the Cow film and I need to know what my motivation is?

Fartinmowler

Your an ignorant farmer...Uh no offense but every movie you act the same

Hugh Grant

Oh right ha ha ha ha I just wanted to see if it's alright that I keep my acting style intact

Fartinmowler

Sure...I didn't really want you in my film but If Dick thinks you can keep pulling it off then I'm ok with it..

Hugh

That was another Dick joke, Oh ha ha ha your very funny

Fartinmowler

Ya...

(Phone Rings 5 minutes later)

HughGrant

Oh I'm so excited

Fartinmowler

Uh can I help you?

Hugh Grant (goofy overly excited british accent)

I think I can get Rowan to play the son and Rene to play the mother, Rene to play momma, she does a very good southern accent, have you seen Cold Mountain?

Fartinmowler

Uh ya...I hated that movie

HughGrant

Can I fly you out to the Hampton's to meet Rene and Rowan and I to discuss the film?

Fartinmowler

Your very gay and I'm going to end up in a sauna with you right?

Hugh Grant (tries to do a southern accent)

Your darn tootin

Fartinmowler

Look I'm not sure that I want you in my film, so when I finish I will call Richard.

Hugh (sounds upset)

Alright then...you keep in touch (starts crying and hangs up)

(two day's later)... (phone rings)

Hi Fartin this is Richard

Fartinmowler

Richard look I might have a part for Hugh as a British cow Tampon salesman that show's up in town looking for his incestuous past.

Richard

I'm sorry about Hugh, he's on the other line, just a sec

Hugh (crying in the background)

Woman comes on the phone (talks all funny in a British accent)

Hugh's too upset to answer dear, I didn't like Rene in that Cold mountain movie either honey...

FArtinmowler

Who is this?

Woman

Elizabeth Hurley

Fartinmowler

Would you like to play his Sister?

Elizabeth Hurley

Does it involve simulated sex with Hugh's Character?

Fartinmowler

Uh ya, you would be his sister

Elizabeth Hurley

I've been pretending to be his sister and having sex with him for years...dear...ha ha ha ha ha

[fartinmowler]

continued....

My interview with Sir David Frost

news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/735000/images/_737846_frost315.jpg


Sir David Frost

I'm here tonight with someone that you all know, Fartinmowler (audience clapping)

Fartinmowler

Hello David, or Should I call you Sir David?

Sir David Frost

you once wrote "I'm a giant ball of semen waiting to hit the window of Angelina Jolie's bullet proof limousine"

Fartinmowler

really? I don't remember that...

Sir David frost

Is it true that most of your time spent writing has been intoxicated, have you dealt with your demons?

fartinmowler

Look I'm not perfect, lets say my key's get a little bit slippery...

Sir David Frost

Are you saying that you masturbate when you write scripts intoxicated?

Fartinmowler

Uh,no..... well not all the time

Sir David

Let's move on, I see that I'm making you feel uncomfortable

Fartinmowler

Just a little...

Sir David frost (shifts ass in chair)

I've read the Screen play for The truth about cows and I loved it but, I've heard that you had a falling out with Hugh Grant

Fartinmowler

Hugh wasn't my Tampon Salesman, I gave the part to the kid on Malcolm in the middle, I don't want to discuss it..

Sir David Frost

Is it true that Hugh offered to blow the Key grip for better lighting?

Fartinmowler

I wasn't there at the time and was only given a memo stating that Hugh ran up to the key grip and yelled "What do I have to do to get better lighting? blow the grip?" and my executive producer Saul Bockdonovichisksy had to let him go

Sir David Frost

I've heard rumor's that The Truth about cows is the next Heavens Gate

Fartinmowler

I've spent 56 million on The truth about cow's and most of it went to my actors. I've hire the best

Sir David Frost

I need to pee

Fartinmowler

You want to stop?

Sir David Frost

Do you mind?

Fartinmowler

Not at all


Off camera (Sir David walks in zips fly)

Sir David Frost

I was riding horses with Penelope Cruz and we discussed your film

Fartinmowler

what did she have to say?


Sir David Frost (does a spanish accent)

It's a bunderful movie idea and I tried for da part of da mother buut I @#%$ find my way to da stoodio

Fartinmowler

I wasn't really looking for Spanish actors

Sir David frost

I've read that you would like to tie her up and ride her like a pony

Fartinmowler

I don't remember saying that

Sir David Frost

This is my last question and I want to thankyou for being so patient. I'm a close friend with Mr. Spielberg and he has been quoted "fartinmowlers movies deal with a subject that I won't venture into only because of good taste"

Fartinmowler

@#%$ him








Fartin mowler (meeting to speaks to cast)

Alright so the kid from Malcolm in the middle's mom said that she didn't approve of the subject matter and pulled him, so after careful consideration we have brought back Hugh...


Avi Bockdonovichisksy (Director) (talks to cast)

Alright today we're shooting the green scene with Hugh...(talks to Hugh) Hugh you've been away for a while and this scene the voices for the animation has already been done so you just do your lines, watch the monitor.

Hugh

righty "O"

Avi Bockdonovichisksy

Alright this scene Hugh has been rejected by Anna, played by Elizabeth Hurley and her new pimp Paco played by Willem Dafoe...drunk and somewhat horny Doctor Simmons, Hugh wanders out behind the Motel 6 with his pants down in a field of cows...

Scene (Hugh with pants down in front of green screen)

Avi Bockdonovichisksy

Ok Hugh I want you to stagger and we will roll in a green bull for you to lean on and you will talk to the bull...

Hugh

gotcha!

Bull #1 (voice of Samuel L Jackson)

What the?

Bull #2 (Voice of Steve Steve Buscemi)

Ha...Looking for some ass?

Hugh

Who's talking to me?

Bull #1 (voice of Samuel L Jackson)

He don't look too fucking smart

Bull #2 (Voice of Steve Steve Buscemi)

before you gore him lets see what he's doing

Bull #1 (voice of Samuel L Jackson)

what the hell for?

Hugh (drunken stupid English accent)

I'm terribly sorry I didn't know that I was in a field full of bulls that could talk

Bull #2 (Voice of Steve Steve Buscemi)

Look buddy before my friend Aldo gores you what the hell are you doing tip toeing with your pants down in my field? and pull up your pants

Hugh

I've come looking for my sister that I love

Bull #2 (Voice of Steve Steve Buscemi)

See that's not so bad, hey Aldo?

Hugh

She was a prostitute in a club for men that like to fantasize about having sex with there sisters or aunts or mothers and it was closed down by the police and my name and reputation was smeared all over London and Anna who I love ran away to America and that is why I'm here...(starts crying)

Bull #1 (voice of Samuel L Jackson)

That's fucked up


Bull #2 (Voice of Steve Steve Buscemi)

So what happened tonight? to get you out in a field with your pants down?

Hugh

Anna has a pimp and when I went to knock on the door of her Motel room door he told me to forget about her and pointed a gun at me


Bull #2 (Voice of Steve Steve Buscemi)

Ok what I want you to do is keep walking out to the back of the field and go see the wise old owl

Hugh

really there is a wise old owl?

Bull #1 (voice of Samuel L Jackson)

OOOOH ha ha ha no you stupid limy get the fuck out of our field

Bull #2 (Voice of Steve Steve Buscemi)

I love doing the wise old owl thing


Bull #1 (voice of Samuel L Jackson)

that's fucked up...

Avi Bockdonovichisksy

And cut!!!

[Serith]

Har.