Post by fartinmowler on Apr 29, 2005 7:38:38 GMT -5
The Truth about cows
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The Truth about cows
Chet senior
Son I have something to tell you
Hank Jr.
What's that daddy?
Chet Senior
You gotsta promise never to tell anyone
Hank Jr.
Ok Daddy, I promise
Chet Senior
Cows have extremely bloody periods
Hank Jr.
How come I never seen it daddy?
Chet Senior
Well...son your momma and I go out late at night and put the cows with periods in a special room in the barn and put giant tampons on the cow's
Hank Jr
Why is it such a secret daddy?
Chet Senior
Son, imagine drinking a glass of cold creamy milk and seeing a giant bloody tampon at the same time
Hank Jr.
That's just disgusting daddy
Chet Sr.
Yep, it sure is son and son I have one more thing to tell you
Hank Jr.
Yes, daddy
Chet Sr.
Cows can get right ornery when they got's the period. I remember one time getting up from gettin kicked in the head and the crazy bitch cow kicked me in the head...
Hank Jr.
So it kicked you in the head twice?
Chet Senior
I said that didn't I?
Hank Jr.
I guess
Chet Sr.
You know what I did with that cow? I took that crazy bitch cow out into the field in front of all the other cows, stuck a shot gun right into the cows mouth and just as I was about to squeeze the trigger I yelled at the cow and said "YOU stupid cow the next time you kick me in the head your gonna die"
Hank Jr.
Cows are pretty stupid, I don't think they would understand daddy
Chet Senior
Do I look stupid?
Hank Jr.
I'm getting kinda tired daddy
Chet Senior
Ok, son...ha ha ha ha ha, tomorrow morning bright and early I will show you where we keep the giant tampons
So... I was contacted to write a script
(Phone rings)
Fartinmowler
Hello?
Unknown person
Uh yes... my name is Richard Curtis, I've written the scripts for the massively successful Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Mr Bean and Love Actually.
and I'm interested in buying a script from you
Fartinmowler
Uh Ok I'm working on a story about this guy who fight's bigots on a train
Richard Curtis
OOH hand to hand combat aye?
Fartinmowler
I guess if you want to?
Richard Curtis
Anything else?
A father and son story about cows...
Richard Curtis
Oh, yes I read that one!!
Fartinmowler
If I write a script for you I have one
Richard Curtis
I know what your going to say and yes you can do anything you want to Hugh Grant
Fartinmowler
Uhggg no...
Richard Curtis
He's quite entertaining
(Phone rings 2 minutes later)
Uh...Hello this is Hugh
Fartinmowler
Hugh Grant?
hughgrant.hp.infoseek.co.jp/image/hugh%20grant%20naked.jpg
Hugh Grant (goofy british accent)
Uh yes...Dick was telling me, look I like dick.
Fartinmowler (interrupts)
YOu like dick?
Hugh Grant
Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha you made a joke...
Fartinmowler
Ya..so what can I do for you?
Hugh Grant
I read the script for the Cow film and I need to know what my motivation is?
Fartinmowler
Your an ignorant farmer...Uh no offense but every movie you act the same
Hugh Grant
Oh right ha ha ha ha I just wanted to see if it's alright that I keep my acting style intact
Fartinmowler
Sure...I didn't really want you in my film but If Dick thinks you can keep pulling it off then I'm ok with it..
Hugh
That was another Dick joke, Oh ha ha ha your very funny
Fartinmowler
Ya...
(Phone Rings 5 minutes later)
HughGrant
Oh I'm so excited
Fartinmowler
Uh can I help you?
Hugh Grant (goofy overly excited british accent)
I think I can get Rowan to play the son and Rene to play the mother, Rene to play momma, she does a very good southern accent, have you seen Cold Mountain?
Fartinmowler
Uh ya...I hated that movie
HughGrant
Can I fly you out to the Hampton's to meet Rene and Rowan and I to discuss the film?
Fartinmowler
Your very gay and I'm going to end up in a sauna with you right?
Hugh Grant (tries to do a southern accent)
Your darn tootin
Fartinmowler
Look I'm not sure that I want you in my film, so when I finish I will call Richard.
Hugh (sounds upset)
Alright then...you keep in touch (starts crying and hangs up)
(two day's later)... (phone rings)
Hi Fartin this is Richard
Fartinmowler
Richard look I might have a part for Hugh as a British cow Tampon salesman that show's up in town looking for his incestuous past.
Richard
I'm sorry about Hugh, he's on the other line, just a sec
Hugh (crying in the background)
Woman comes on the phone (talks all funny in a British accent)
Hugh's too upset to answer dear, I didn't like Rene in that Cold mountain movie either honey...
FArtinmowler
Who is this?
Woman
Elizabeth Hurley
Fartinmowler
Would you like to play his Sister?
Elizabeth Hurley
Does it involve simulated sex with Hugh's Character?
Fartinmowler
Uh ya, you would be his sister
Elizabeth Hurley
I've been pretending to be his sister and having sex with him for years...dear...ha ha ha ha ha
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Truth about cows
Chet senior
Son I have something to tell you
Hank Jr.
What's that daddy?
Chet Senior
You gotsta promise never to tell anyone
Hank Jr.
Ok Daddy, I promise
Chet Senior
Cows have extremely bloody periods
Hank Jr.
How come I never seen it daddy?
Chet Senior
Well...son your momma and I go out late at night and put the cows with periods in a special room in the barn and put giant tampons on the cow's
Hank Jr
Why is it such a secret daddy?
Chet Senior
Son, imagine drinking a glass of cold creamy milk and seeing a giant bloody tampon at the same time
Hank Jr.
That's just disgusting daddy
Chet Sr.
Yep, it sure is son and son I have one more thing to tell you
Hank Jr.
Yes, daddy
Chet Sr.
Cows can get right ornery when they got's the period. I remember one time getting up from gettin kicked in the head and the crazy bitch cow kicked me in the head...
Hank Jr.
So it kicked you in the head twice?
Chet Senior
I said that didn't I?
Hank Jr.
I guess
Chet Sr.
You know what I did with that cow? I took that crazy bitch cow out into the field in front of all the other cows, stuck a shot gun right into the cows mouth and just as I was about to squeeze the trigger I yelled at the cow and said "YOU stupid cow the next time you kick me in the head your gonna die"
Hank Jr.
Cows are pretty stupid, I don't think they would understand daddy
Chet Senior
Do I look stupid?
Hank Jr.
I'm getting kinda tired daddy
Chet Senior
Ok, son...ha ha ha ha ha, tomorrow morning bright and early I will show you where we keep the giant tampons
So... I was contacted to write a script
(Phone rings)
Fartinmowler
Hello?
Unknown person
Uh yes... my name is Richard Curtis, I've written the scripts for the massively successful Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Mr Bean and Love Actually.
and I'm interested in buying a script from you
Fartinmowler
Uh Ok I'm working on a story about this guy who fight's bigots on a train
Richard Curtis
OOH hand to hand combat aye?
Fartinmowler
I guess if you want to?
Richard Curtis
Anything else?
A father and son story about cows...
Richard Curtis
Oh, yes I read that one!!
Fartinmowler
If I write a script for you I have one
Richard Curtis
I know what your going to say and yes you can do anything you want to Hugh Grant
Fartinmowler
Uhggg no...
Richard Curtis
He's quite entertaining
(Phone rings 2 minutes later)
Uh...Hello this is Hugh
Fartinmowler
Hugh Grant?
hughgrant.hp.infoseek.co.jp/image/hugh%20grant%20naked.jpg
Hugh Grant (goofy british accent)
Uh yes...Dick was telling me, look I like dick.
Fartinmowler (interrupts)
YOu like dick?
Hugh Grant
Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha you made a joke...
Fartinmowler
Ya..so what can I do for you?
Hugh Grant
I read the script for the Cow film and I need to know what my motivation is?
Fartinmowler
Your an ignorant farmer...Uh no offense but every movie you act the same
Hugh Grant
Oh right ha ha ha ha I just wanted to see if it's alright that I keep my acting style intact
Fartinmowler
Sure...I didn't really want you in my film but If Dick thinks you can keep pulling it off then I'm ok with it..
Hugh
That was another Dick joke, Oh ha ha ha your very funny
Fartinmowler
Ya...
(Phone Rings 5 minutes later)
HughGrant
Oh I'm so excited
Fartinmowler
Uh can I help you?
Hugh Grant (goofy overly excited british accent)
I think I can get Rowan to play the son and Rene to play the mother, Rene to play momma, she does a very good southern accent, have you seen Cold Mountain?
Fartinmowler
Uh ya...I hated that movie
HughGrant
Can I fly you out to the Hampton's to meet Rene and Rowan and I to discuss the film?
Fartinmowler
Your very gay and I'm going to end up in a sauna with you right?
Hugh Grant (tries to do a southern accent)
Your darn tootin
Fartinmowler
Look I'm not sure that I want you in my film, so when I finish I will call Richard.
Hugh (sounds upset)
Alright then...you keep in touch (starts crying and hangs up)
(two day's later)... (phone rings)
Hi Fartin this is Richard
Fartinmowler
Richard look I might have a part for Hugh as a British cow Tampon salesman that show's up in town looking for his incestuous past.
Richard
I'm sorry about Hugh, he's on the other line, just a sec
Hugh (crying in the background)
Woman comes on the phone (talks all funny in a British accent)
Hugh's too upset to answer dear, I didn't like Rene in that Cold mountain movie either honey...
FArtinmowler
Who is this?
Woman
Elizabeth Hurley
Fartinmowler
Would you like to play his Sister?
Elizabeth Hurley
Does it involve simulated sex with Hugh's Character?
Fartinmowler
Uh ya, you would be his sister
Elizabeth Hurley
I've been pretending to be his sister and having sex with him for years...dear...ha ha ha ha ha